Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Break Up

B and I are officially over. It’s an ending I knew was coming, one that I had even thought about instigating on a few occasions, and yet, the heartache I feel is enormous and very painful. I left Paris on September 1st and it was a very difficult goodbye. Though most of my friends had already left the city in the months leading up to summer, I was still clinging to all of the wonderful memories I had there over the past year. The last time I punched in the code for B’s apartment building, walked up the 101 steps to my apartment, bought a baguette at the Boulanger… it was so hard to grasp the fact that my Parisian adventure was coming to an end. Not to mention the fact that my relationship would shortly be coming to an end as well…
B took me to the airport that Monday morning and reminded me that he would be seeing me in just three days. Turns out B’s friend, who works for Air France, had a flight scheduled to NYC and would be able to get B on the flight practically for free. B would spend 5 days in New York and 5 in Maryland and we would make the most of our last days together. But the reality of our looming fate caused a lot of tension between us and we spent much of his trip arguing, until we were able to talk it out and fully acknowledge our sadness.
On September 14th, I drove B to the airport to catch his flight back to Paris. There was a problem with his reservation and the airline wouldn’t be able to get him on a flight till the next afternoon—the same day my mom and I were scheduled to fly down to Florida for a week to house hunt and visit a family friend. I was so happy we would have one more day together but since my folks would be with us at the airport the next day, we decided to say goodbye beforehand and stayed up late into the night, spilling out all the things that we didn’t want left unsaid. So on Monday afternoon (exactly 11 months and 6 days after our first date) our goodbye was brief and as we hugged each other for the last time, B whispered into my ear, “I’m coming back for you…”, got back into the car, blew me a kiss and drove away.
And just like that it was over. The thing is they don’t tell you it would be like this… the grief that weighs so heavily on your heart, the days that seem to drag on and on, the nights spent alternately praying for sleep because you’re so mentally and physically exhausted, and praying for morning so you don’t have to lie awake in a cold empty bed thinking about the man who’s no longer a part of your life. It hurts not being able to call him, ask about his day, talk to him about mine. And the saddest part is knowing I no longer have the right to.
But on top of it all, I just feel shame. Shame for being so devastated and helpless over something as “trivial” as a breakup. People go through it all the time, hell, they go through worse all the time. It’s not like anyone died. It’s only the end of a love affair, and one that I was going to end one day anyway. So what’s with all the melodrama? (It reminds me of the weeks after 9/11 and how I just felt so distraught; I refused to leave the city but all I could do was cry and sleep. And I hated myself for being that way because I didn’t truly have the right. I was one of the lucky New Yorkers, I didn’t know anyone who died in those Towers, it didn’t touch my life the way it did thousands of other people. And yet, the grief consumed me for weeks on end).
So now, all I do is cry. I never knew I would feel this physical weight of sadness over ending things with B. Its like I'm walking around in a fog and everything has lost its meaning and importance, I don’t feel up for doing anything at all. I’ll be ok for about 30 minutes, maybe an hour, and suddenly something reminds me of him and my throat closes up again. No more slow dancing in his living room, no more singing made-up songs to each other, no more staying up late at night telling stories, no more excursions around Paris and France and Europe, no more silly jokes… I’ll miss him looking into my eyes and telling me I’m beautiful, I’ll miss arguing with him to put on a pair of dress shoes instead of his beat-up Converse sneakers, I’ll miss his hugs…
The craziest part of the whole thing is that our breakup is simply due to the fact that we are now living on different continents. There was no fight, no cheating, no boredom, no loss of love, none of the typical reasons that relationships end. It just so happened that it was my time to leave Paris but not quite his. And although I don’t think this is the person God intended me to spend the rest of my life with, I wasn’t ready to give him up just yet. But that’s also the reason why I’m trying to steel myself to this pain. Because in time, I know it will pass and I’ll be happy in the decision that we made to go our separate ways. As much as I miss him now, I know it will get easier. And one day, hopefully, we’ll be good friends and learn how to be an important part of each other’s lives in a new way. But for now I suffer and try to go on the best way I know how. And I just pray to God for the strength to get through the days and for help to carry this new burden. They say you never get over your first love…

18 comments:

Unknown said...

OMG. I ahve been waiting for your next blog for so long. But now I know you have been dealing with some things...Easier said than done but..your heart will heal soon but never underestimate the power of communication..esp Skype! No matter what...good love will follow you(and him) wherever you go!

Good Luck!

Cynthia said...

Are you two (I'm sure you are) that you can't work something out? I don't think relationships like that happen everyday but maybe I'm wrong...

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but having followed your blog for a bit now and reading about you and B., it sounded like "forever". So sad to hear that it has ended. But, you never know... Have you seen the movie "Broken English"?

Hang in there, and try not to eat too much Häagen-Dazs, okay?

Stacy said...

Thank you so much for your comments guys. I've found myself wondering if I've made the right decision in ending things... and apparently he's having a tough time of it too... we'll see how things go. Will keep you posted! Thanks for reading

Anonymous said...

Hi Stacy,

I love your blog. I am planning to go to Paris in December (for two weeks). Can you give me tips on where to stay that is reasonably priced? Would you recommend hostels there? Thanks
Danna

Fly Brother said...

One thing I dislike about our society is that we're constantly told that regular human emotions are "melodramatic" and that we should just get over them already. You're right, nobody died, but a very special relationship has come to an end (as you know it) and what is death other than the ending of a relationship? There is nothing melodramatic about the mourning of a loss and you should indeed allow yourself time to grieve. The healing/rebuilding process will happen much more quickly when the unnecessary pressure of "I shouldn't be feeling like this" is removed. You loved the boy and your life in Paris will be forever framed by that relationship...it's only natural for you to be sad, lonely, anxious, etc. That will pass, but only when you let it - suppressing feelings never works, no matter what we're conditioned to believe. Don't you know some of the best music on Earth was born out of the pain of lost love? But folks are too busy trying not to "get caught up" or not "be pressed" to actually feel like people these days. Sorry for the long comment; I'm just speaking from my own experiences and I hate when love isn't given its due respect: your life was changed in the midst of it...why shouldn't your life be changed without it? You will one day smile at the thought of having loved enough to cry about it. I'll play some Sade for you. Maybe a little Prince, too.

Stacy said...

thank you for your comment Fly Brother... that was very well put and totally on point. i had a hard time accepting the fact that i was actually falling in love in the first place, its not too surprising im not willing to let myself feel he pain of the loss as well. as you can see-- im not the best person for confronting emotions. but im working on that part too. and i thank you :o)
ps-- ive been listening to my girl Sade all week

Stacy said...

hi Danna, sure i'd be happy to recommend some places. send me your email in a comment (i wont publish it) and i'll write you

Risse said...

I'm sorry to read that you two are broken up, but I agree with what some of the others said about thinking about if it really really can't work out. I think that love can survive, even if you two are miles, seas apart. I wish you good luck with everything!

Oneika said...

Keep your chin up girl! I have been following your blog for a while now and was wondering how the end of your sejour turned out... I used to live in France too, and had to leave love behind. I thought that I would never get over it and the first months were REALLY hard! Thankfully he acted like a jerk so it helped me to get over it faster, lol. But ditto what all the others have said! See what happens! This may not be the end for you two! Wishing you all the best!

Bonne chance and keep blogging!

Anonymous said...

Stacy, I'm quite a few years older than you, and all I have to say is don't walk away from something that is real. If there's something there, find a way to hold on to it. Where there's a will, there's a way. You never know what life has in store, and it is so easy to come up with 100 reasons why something is impossible, rather than the 1, 5 or 10 reasons why it is possible, and worthwhile. It is so easy to lose in life (I know this isn't a concept people in their 20's think about - I certainly didn't when I was in my 20's), but time and circumstances have a way of sneaking up on you before you realize it. I wish I could turn the clock back on my life now, but I can't. The one lesson I've learned is to go for the things you want in life. You'll win some and you'll lose some, but at least you will have tried. I hope this doesn't sound melodramatic - it isn't meant to be. I'm just trying to pass on something I wish I had known during the important years of my 20's and 30's. Take care, and I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear this. It will take time. That is the only way the pain will lessen. It may not feel like it now, but in time it will hurt a little less and he won't be the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

Anonymous said...

I think you and B should continue your relationship. You two look great together and seem to have great chemistry. If you love each other, and it appears as if you do, then no distance can diminish that. I know you wrote this post in Sept and it's now Dec but I hope that you two have reconciled.

PS I found your blog via BlackTravels.com Blog.

Black Presence said...

just making contact from England to france!

Black Travel said...

Hey There,
It's been a while... How about an update on your return, recent travels, upcoming plans, etc? I've really enjoyed your writings and look forward to reading more.

Best regards.

Stacy said...

Hi there! Funny you say that... on a whim this afternoon I just bought a one-way ticket to Paris for this July... so the story may be continued after all ;o)
Thanks for stopping by!

The Black Planeteer said...

Oh, how sad! I hope you're feeling better these days. Is he still there? Now that you're headed back, who knows....

Stacy said...

Yes he's still there... we're good friends now and I'm feeling a whole lot better these days (just as everyone said I would). But we'll see what happens when I get back to Paris