The ex, continued...

The final part of The Ex saga, read Part 1 here.

I get back to my apt and my mind is running wild with ideas about where he is and what he’s doing. So naturally, I decide to spend the next HOUR calling his house (his cell had been out of commission for a few days) getting angrier and angrier as the minutes tick by (Lord only knows what possessed me to do this—after the 3^rd or 4^th call you would think a girl would give up and go to sleep). Finally, at 3am, he picks up—tentatively, surprised to be getting a call at such a late hour. And do you know I let the poor boy have it? Thoroughly cursed his ass out. Where were you?! I was knocking on your door at 2am and you weren’t home!! Were you with HER?! On and on in that vein, things that make me cringe to remember so I won’t repeat here. Sigh. The funny thing is, I’m normally very nice and calm. To the point where my friends get surprised when they hear me say a curse word. But when I get mad (which is so rare people often ask if I ever get upset about anything), it’s not pretty.

Anyway, I’m going off for a solid 3 minutes while poor B just tries to get a word in edgewise. Finally he breaks in and says, “Wait a minute! I don’t HAVE to tell you where I’ve been. I don’t owe you anything”. And that simple (and very true) statement stopped me in my tracks… Oh. Right. He’s not my boyfriend. Why am I so upset?

And then he quietly says, “Stacy, what are you doing to me? YOU left ME. What do you want from me? You know I’m in love with you and if you just said the word I would leave this girl and be with you right now.” To be honest, hearing him say that he still loves me and knowing that this “other woman” has not replaced me was a little comforting. On the flip side, I felt guilty for being so selfish b/c I do want him to be happy. But what happens when he does meet “the one”. His next great love? The woman he’s going to marry? How will I feel then?

I had to stop and ask myself what I really want here. It hurts me to know he’s with someone else so maybe that means we should get back together. But is that just jealousy talking or genuine feelings? Last week B’s friend was driving me home and asked about B and I. And then he warned me, “I had to be around him all those months after you left. He was in really bad shape”. And I know I absolutely cannot do that to him a second time. So we spoke, finally had that heartbreaking heart-to-heart. And in the end, we acknowledged the fact that I am here for just a short time and there’s no point in starting something up again that I have no intention of seeing through. It just isn’t fair to either one of us.

I don’t know why I thought we could keep the friendship part without any fear that the romantic part would rear its little head. Is it true that lovers can’t be friends? Or maybe it was just too soon for B and I—maybe we didn’t give each other enough time to forget before we started speaking again. The thing is, while the thought of no longer speaking to him makes my heart drop, I don’t think we should be together. I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to meet “the one” (ironically, because of B and all that I learned after being in our relationship with all its amazing ups and downs). And while I could blissfully enjoy much more time with B, the thought of getting married and having babies is very real for me and you don’t get there by devoting years of your life to a man you don’t see a future with.

The problem remains that I love him. Simply and completely and I believe that I will love him for the rest of my life. But I don’t think I’m IN love with him any longer. I don’t know what any of that means, if it’s a normal process and these feelings will also pass in time. Or if its a lifelong scar we're meant to carry with us when an epic romance ends... the whole business is confusing. In any case, B left for a 3-week vacation (Spain, Italy, Hungry and Germany) so it gives me a bit of time to clear my head about the whole matter. It’s been nearly 2 weeks and I've missed him since he’s been away. Maybe its innocent, like you would miss any friend you see often; maybe it’s more than that. I honestly don’t know.

One thing I do know is that a big mistake people make in love is that they forget that you have to use your head too, not just your heart. And my head is telling me to move on—however painful, there is someone out there who will make it easy for me to walk away from B. But how do you ever forget the one who took your heart first?